Hi! Welcome to Crazy Accurate Astrology! I’ve spent years studying the stars and their hidden messages for my own personal amusement, but I recently had a life-altering experience with a mouse and a bag of Nacho Cheese Combos and decided, “What the hell – I’ll share the knowledge!” So, here I am and here you are (well, most of you – I’m speaking to you Cancer, but more on that later) and here are the ‘scopes. Now, before we start, I’d like to say that these little star readings here at Crazy Accurate Astrology are for entertainment purposes only! Even though I think every single, last one of them is a true and accurate interpretation of the stars in their current positions, you should probably just ignore them because lawsuits suck. Following the pattern of a random universe, I’m starting with Capricorn. Prepare to be scared witless as your life is revealed by the stars!
CAPRICORN: Eat more pasta! Not only is it cheap and filling, but you’ll need all those carbs for the exciting, fast paced days ahead of you! Unless the days ahead of you end up being as mundane and low-key as usual, in which case you’ll probably just gain a little weight. C’est la vie, eh?
AQUARIUS: You are slowly turning into a pumpkin! Or, possibly, a pappadum - it was a little overcast the night I went to check out what your stars were up to (and I’d had a few cocktails), so I couldn’t really tell which one it was. Get over it.
THE SIGN AFTER PISCES (??? – anyone know?): You will receive totally awesome news from far away. This overwhelmingly incredible communication will be your passport to a new and exciting life that will fulfill every expectation for happiness you’ve ever had. There’s also a chance that none of this will actually happen, in which case, life will probably suck as just much as it usually does. Too bad, so sad.
GEMINI: Your two astrological aspects will finally meet at a TGI Friday’s happy hour and drunkenly get married later on that evening. Oddly, this is a “happy ever after” story (actually, in this case, it’s a “happy hour ever after” story). Except for you because, sadly, you are no longer a dual sign. :(
CANCER: Surprise! You don’t exist!
LEO: The stars have informed me that you’re this reading’s “FREE HOROSCOPE WINNER”!!!!! Make up whatever sounds like a good horoscope and it’s yours to keep! Free! Congratulations!!! Aren’t you glad you weren’t born under Cancer?
VIRGO (or is it Libra??? I always get the order mixed up. Oh well, I’ll do a “twofer”) & LIBRA: You are now entering an astrological phase where it’s essential for you to pay close attention to your horoscope – your life may depend on it!
SCORPIO: Believe me - you really, really don’t want to know. If you absolutely can’t live without the astrological info, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll hit you up with your ‘scope, although you should be prepared to enter a spiral of depression worse than if you found a dead mouse in your bag of Nacho Cheese Combos. But, hey - I could be wrong about all of that! Just kidding - I’m not wrong and you are doomed. Sorry.
SAGITTARIUS: YOU RULE!!!!!!
Well, there you have it – the eleven signs of the zodiac and their mystical wisdom. These ‘scopes are applicable until I post new ones, which could be tomorrow or next year – hey, I just do what the stars tell me and when it’s time, it’s time. It’s like ancient Greece, when the muses would sing through artists and poets - I’m not the source, I’m the conduit. Until next time, then - rock on y’all! May the stars be with you!!!
P.S. – I will do personalized charts for people at the bargain basement price of $8,000!!! Email me if you’re interested! email@example.com